A touch of grey, a little lest angst

I attended my High School reunion this weekend. I grew up in a town weird enough to freak Hunter S. Thompson out, but my High School experience was pretty average. Like many, I struggled in High School, not academically, but socially. I made pretty good grades, but I didn't fit in with the "brainiacs." I played sports, but I also could hang with the hippies. My parents didn't make enough money for me to be with the "ins" but they invited me to a few of their parties because I could make people laugh.

At my 10 year reunion, everyone looked great. There was a lot of sexual tension in the air. We were still young and we were taking on the world. I had a good time at the Friday night mixer that year but ran from the Saturday night dinner dance like a republican at an ethics class.

At my 20 year reunion, people were a little more relaxed, but there was still a little more one-up-man-ship than was comfortable for me.

At this reunion (30) the conversations focused on family, kids, taking care of elderly parents, non-profit work and of course, politics. I was nervous as I walked up to the restaurant/bar where it was being held. Will I know anyone? I did know quite a few folks. I hooked up with some dear friends I had lost contact with and we are back in touch. I saw myself through the eyes of people who hadn't seen me in 30 years, and I liked the feedback I was given. I wasn't really looking for validation, just connection, so the former was gravy.

One of the most interesting moments of the night came for me when I talked to Danny Fromhart. Danny and I were on the wrestling team together as freshman. In a scrimmage match, I broke Danny's arm and he never wrestled again. For the past 30 years, Rick McGough has tormented me with comments like "Danny would have been a pro baseball player, but you screwed that up," or "Danny's coming (to the 10 and 20 year reunions) and he wants to get even." When I talked to Danny, he said Rick had been goading him in the same way for all these years. We both agreed that McGough was an asshole and had a nice time talking and catching up on life.

The last half hour I was at the party, I was talking to a group of cheerleaders and thinking to myself how funny it is that 30 years ago I wouldn't have had the courage to talk to this group. I like being the age I am. Time is sort of an equalizer. I imagine at the 40 year reunion those of us fortunate to still be "among the quick" will be mostly talking about retirement and our health. I'll be there.

See you at Bumbershoot!

Here is the link on the Bumbershoot website about my winning the Haiku contest.

http://www.bumbershoot.org/haiku-contest.htm

The Folinator

Here is a picture of Foli, my cat. She reads minds, juggles and plays a mean blues harmonica.

"a pig, in a cage, on antibiotics"

A series of things happened. I watched a couple of movies that hit home. First it was "Fight Club". Although I'd seen it a few times, it really hit me how much of a corporate clone I have become. Then I saw "Into the Wild" and my world started to shift. The story of a young kid dying of starvation in the Alaska wilderness is tragic, but the movie also portrayed the incredible spirit that this young person had as well as the impact he had on other people. I know I'm forgetting other recent events, but just a few days ago, it happened again. I was listening to Radiohead's song "fitter happier" from OK Computer. The last words spoken by the automated voice are "a pig, in a cage, on antibiotics." That's how I feel. I've slowly traded peace of mind for security, creativity for monotony, bliss for drudgery. I work in a salt mine, a governmental placating machine. I was listening to KEXP a couple of hours ago and Joseph Arthur was being interviewed. He said "there is really plenty of time." What would a life like that feel like?

I'm not sure, but I have been thinking more and more about how I could spend more time being creative. I'm an artist. I need to feed my soul or I fear that I am going to lose my fucking mind. Where do I start? Save money. Contact people who will support me in my dream. Look for ways to bridge the gap, moving from the full-time grind to work you can do from a laptop, then integrate more music and other arts into your life until it feels like it is enough. Or work toward a place when I can jump off the tower completely. Hire a life coach? I don't know about paying someone a lot of money to tell me what I already know "he who is not busy being born is busy dying." Dylan wrote that. "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans", John Lennon wrote that. "I want to peel off your chrome," Michael Clark wrote that. "I have absolutely everything, except a life." I wrote that.

Sun Valley, Nevada

This isn't your grandfather's Sun Valley.  My daughter lives here.  I drove by her house yesterday morning and she wasn't home.  Her mom is earning extra money with a paper route, which gets her up at 3:00 a.m. to make a few bucks, so she didn't hear me ring the doorbell.  It was already almost 90 degrees at 10:30 a.m.  I drove down to the strip mall which serves as "town central" to the Burger King.  The young men and women working and eating there had haunting vacant stares.  There's no American dream here.  It's dog eat dog, and these folks are begging for scraps.  I bought a paper, and as I ate my "Western Bacon Cheeseburger," read that the United States still has the highest number of millionaires, but they make up less than 2% of the population.  Every one of these young adults bought into the lie at some point that they could be one of the few people in America that benefit from our great capitalist experiment.  Good scientists give experiments up when they fail.  It's time we kiss this one goodbye.  My brother and his daughter are here as Ron Paul delegates, infiltrating the Republican party.  I'm proud of him, and I believe him when he says the only chance the United States has of pulling ourselves out of this downward slide is to end the empire, bring all of the soldiers home from the 100 plus countries they are stationed.  The part I disagree with Ron Paul about is that if we do that, conserve our resources for the people in this country, then the free market will take over and people will be taken care of.  The last thing Milton Friedman accomplished before he died was to convince the government to dismantle the New Orleans public school system during the great swindle called "reconstruction."  Go tell a black kid in New Orleans that the free market is going to take care of him/her.  Federal, State, County and Local governments were set up to protect, preserve and foster the public good.  If we invest our money wisely there, we can get back to having the kind of country our parents passed on to us.  We did it before, we can do it again.

First entry of 2006

It's another year, and I am so glad to be on the planet! This looks to be a year in which those who have been abusing their power may get their day of reckoning. George Bush, who lies for a living, was caught red handed, assuring people in 2004 that "whenever you hear about the government wire tapping, there is a court order involved." It turns out that W has acually been authorizing wire tapping of American Citizens and others including members of the United Nations since shortly after 9-11. The argument that it would jeapordize National Security to go through legal channels to get this authority doesn't hold water, as the administration could have tapped any phones they wanted to and then gone back retroactively for formal authority, if they had wished to. Why didn't they do it legally if it was that easy? That, my friends, is the 6 million dollar question, and if you ask the right questions, you get some interesting answers. Could it be the administration was wire tapping political opponents and others who may have opposed their policies but in no way shape or form posed a threat to the security of our nation? I believe this may be the case. After all, this is the group that got on the TV, stared straight at the cameras and talked about "mushroom clouds" knowing all the while that Sadaam Huissein didn't have the ability to launch a bottle rocket at us at the time. So today, Bush says "I assure you that everything I have done is perfectly legal, otherwise I wouldn't have done it." Richard Nixon was famous for saying "if I do it, then it is legal, because I am the president." Shrub has fallen into the same sort of circular logic, and it may end up being his undoing. "Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely." I don't remember who said that, but it was one of the first things I learned in college in a political science class. Whether you are the president of the United States, the leader of the 700 club, an administrator in charge of federal employees or a guy in Rome in a $10,000 hat, if you start assuming that your actions are right because of who you are, you WILL paint yourself into a corner eventually. It is assuring to me to know that, because then I don't feel like it is my responsibility to "right all of the wrongs" I come across. That is a big fucking job, and a person could wear themselves out trying to do it. So hears to you and yours. My New Years wish for myself is that I breathe in gratitude and breathe out forgiveness every day this year. If I do that, I will have a good year. This much I know to be true. Peace.

Happy Holidays!!

Yeah, I meant to say happy holidays and not Merry Christmas. I said that to someone today, and she responded with, "I don't want to be politically correct, "Merry Christmas." Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, you know... the usual suspects in the neo-conservative nazi party of america, talking heads for the sorriest administration we've had in this country since Warren G. Harding (actually, I don't know if he was a bad President, but I'm on a roll) have created ANOTHER distraction called "the war on Christmas." Their premise is that secular humanists, liberals, non-christians and Jews are scheming to take the Christ out of Christmas. These blow hard apologists for the Bush/Cheney juggernaut that has taken this country from record surplusses to record deficits, from years of relative peace to perpetual war, from good relations with other countries to open hostility, from gains in protecting the environment to unspeakable giveaways to the worst polluters, from reductions in poverty to a wider gap than ever between rich and poor...these right wing pseudo christian bigots are so full of hate and fear they see a conspiracy on the door of every refrigerator. Since they don't want to focus on what is in front of all of our noses, the insane amount of money it takes to support this stupid war, the fact that Frist, Delay, Libby, Abramoff and several other prominent repulicans are under indictment or worse, the fact that the conservatives got their asses kicked this week on ANWR, the Patriot Act and the "Reverse Robinhood Budget,"...they deflect and conjure up a bogus conspiracy that is really just a poorly veiled batch of anti-semitism and religious intolerance dressed up in tinsel and garland.
The mood in this country is shifting, and I am looking forward to the day when O'Reilly and the rest of them are off the air because noone wants to hear their hatred spewed upon them anymore. That day is coming, as is the day when a spirit of decency, cooperation, fiscal discipline, fairness, environmental stewardship, economic equality, religious freedom, support of workers rights and partnership with the rest of the world community returns to this fine nation. Until then, I refuse to participate in this fiasco called Christmas that is really just a bunch of corporate hype designed to stress people out and push them farther into debt. I haven't bought one Christmas present, and my sweetie and I are going up to Mount Rainier to spend a few nights in the wilderness, where God speaks, if we are listening, every day. So happy holidays to you and yours. Let's pray for peace and sanity and a return to decency in this country. Let's face it, 2005 was fucked up, but we can do better!!

Remembering John Lennon

25 years ago today, John Lennon was murdered by an insane fan, supposedly enraged by his perception that the former Beattle had "sold out." I was attending the University of Nevada Reno, working in Lincoln Hall as a Resident Assistant, when the announcement came over the radio in my room, "John Lennon has been shot, he was pronounced dead on arrival." I remember going outside and finding people gathering together, crying, holding each other. I felt as if a piece of me had been stolen, that's how strongly I identified with John Lennon. I called the only person I could think of who loved Lennon more than I did, my brother John. He answered the phone "John is dead." We consoled each other, although neither one of us could find even a semblance of a silver lining. To this day I can't. I do know this, John Lennon was one of the most amazing song writers in history, and he will always be dear to me.

Alex

This is Alex, my daughter. She will be 17 years old in a week. She is a very talented visual artist, kind to animals and her younger brother, an up and coming guitar player and a gifted writer. I am so grateful that she is in my life. She's wearing an "Anomaly Records" hat and she is standing in front of my bad, 1982 Toyota Corolla station wagon. Yes, that is a Peace flag.

Mayor Gridlock

Here is our mayor, who only this month was heralded by Rolling Stone magazine as an environmental trailblazer for his work to fight global warming. A couple of weeks ago, he made sure that there will be hundreds of thousands of stinking, polluting cars gridlocked on Seattle's freeways for years to come. The mayor and the rest of the City Council blundered their oversight of the monorail project, then scuttled the whole thing by bad mouthing it to the press and forcing the people to vote a FIFTH time for it. From now on and for ever, I will refer to him as mayor Gridlock.

First Audio Blog

Strange news

Last night, I closed one of my posts with the question "do you smell cars burning?" I'm not advocating violence. I don't think it solves anything, and I believe the violence being done by the young men in France has as much to do with an absence of positive initiation experiences for young adults as it does with alienation and being disenfranchised. That being said, Bill O'Reilley and the rest of the republican mouth peices on Fox "Doublespeak" (to call it news is an insult to journalism) ought to be careful about pointing fingers at France and calling it a failed experiment in socialism. We have plenty of folks who are one 48 ouncer away from burning cars in neighborhoods that aren't a lot nicer than the government housing projects in France. A case in point is an act of arson that occured this last week in West Seattle, in a neighborhood called White Center. Some one decide to, you guessed it, light a car on fire. Hmmm... Was this a random act of violence or the beginning of a revolution? Time will tell.

I saw the line

The new movie about Jonny Cash, "I Walk the Line," is outstanding. I just read the review of the movie in The Stranger for this week, and I think the critic must have been a "Hootie and the Blowfish" fan. T-Bone Burnett put the music together, and Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon did their own vocals. I guess that is the standard after Jaime Fox nailed "Ray." If you are a musician, go see this movie. Hell, go see it if you aren't. The scene where Johnny plays Fulsom Prison blues for a young Sam Phillips is amazing, and the concert scenes made me feel like I was right there watching it, except nothing you heard back then had the kind of fidelity the movie was recorded with. So, it's kind of like eavesdropping on an earlier time, only with better sound. I saw a sneak preview of the movie last night, and I think I might go to opening night this weekend.

I don't feel any safer, in fact...

I was standing in line at my favorite Indian/Pakistani lunch place the other day, and a middle eastern gentleman shot me a nervous glance. On another day, in another time, I might have overlooked it, but it is today, and war is being waged in our names by a group of religious zealots that failed to plan what to do if the people of Iraq did not meet us with open arms. Three years later, more than 2000 American soldiers have died, with countless Iraqi civilian casualties, many of them women and children. While Vice President "Himmler" lobbies the congress for the authority to abuse detainees, we are creating entire generations of islamic terrorists, trained to give their lives for what they perceive to be a holy cause. No, President kill-again, I don't feel safer, and I won't until you and every last one of your bigoted, narrowminded zealot cronies are safe behind bars, where you belong. I feel shameful for assuming that the man standing in line ahead of me in a turban may be planning to kill himself and take me and 25 others in the restaurant with him. But the greatest shame goes to the crew in Washingtion that exploited the good will of the planet after the attacks of 9/11 and exploited this nation's fear to satiate their lust for oil and profit in a land that posed no threat to us whatsoever. Hundreds of billions of dollars later, American's who have been made homeless by the hurricanes this season are facing evictions from the squalid "fema-camps" they have been living in, while the republican-controlled government plans another tax cut for the wealthiest. Meanwhile, fresh science on global warming states the obvious, the planet is getting warmer and this is causing weather changes, like more ferocious hurricanes in the Atlantic ocean and the Gulf of Mexico. What is that smell? Are there cars burning?

It's October of 2005

Fall is here, ready or not. I love the Puget Sound, but I always feel a little shudder go through my body this time of year, thinking of the long dark winter ahead.
Nancy J and I spent a week in Austin Texas at the Austin City Limits Music Festival. If you love live music, I recommend the event. We saw Wilco, Coldplay, Dave Alvin, Spoon, Steve Earle, Lucinda Williams, Death Cab for Cutie, the John Spencer Trio and others. The event is coordinated almost entirely by volunteers, and I was amazed at how well it was laid out logistically, never a line for food, water, bathroom, transportation. The one thing the organizers had not planned for very well was 108 degree weather and no rain for weeks preceeding the event. The dust storm kicked up by 65,000 happy listeners on the last day saw people grabbing whatever they could fix for a bandana and wrapping it around their noses and mouths to keep the dust from clogging their lungs.
I came back from Austin in a bit of a funk and I am not immediately sure why. Partly it is that I really don't love my job anymore, but there seems to be more. I think it is the realization that I'm not anchored in Seattle as firmly as I have been and that I have the opportunity to be around family in a city that I might like even more than this one. For now I'm just breathing and taking small steps, testing the waters of change and uncertainty and adventure once again to see if I am brave enough or crazy enough to wade in again.

They are wrong for that

I picked up the New York times yesterday, Monday, August 29th. There was a story in the international section with a bi-line that read "PROCUREMENT." The story was about Bunnatine H. Greenhouse, a black female who was a career civil servant, working for the Army Corps of Engineers. Ms. Greenhouse was demoted in her position for doing what the taxpayers pay her to do, making sure that the government was getting what it paid for. She raised objections to a 7 BILLION dollar no bid contract that was awarded to Haliburton subsidiary Kellog, Brown and Root. Her argument was that, if the contract was being awarded without competition because of the urgency of the war, then it made sense for the contract to be of shorter duration as well. This sounds logical, but it cost her her rank in the federal service. Ms. Greenhouse, who is a true patriot in my eyes, called a $165 million dollar contract awarded to KB&R for logistical support in the balkans without competition "the most blatant and improper contract abuse I have witnessed in the course of my professional career." She also said that the defense secretary's office had improperly interfered in the awarding of the contract. If you don't know what's going on here, I'll break it down to you. When I was a procurement specialist with Job Corps, I signed a conflict of interest statement every time I sat on a panel. Since Job Corps contracts are competitively bid, I would be fired on the spot (and I should have been) if I had made my decisions based upon interests I had in a company that was bidding on the project. For instance, if I had a friend who ran a company that runs Job Corps centers (and I have several) it would be completely unethical for me to use my influence to help that person secure the contract, or to be swayed in my decision making because I had a relationship with that person, or worse, something to gain financially by helping him/her out. When we were attacked on September 11th, 2001, the Bush administration started exploiting opportunities to help their friends and financial supporters get rich. A big chunk of the BILLIONS and BILLIONS of dollars that is being spent in Iraq and Afghanistan is being done on a no-bid, non-competitive basis. We've seen the effect of these contracts over there, with Haliburton getting caught overcharging for fuel, food, etc. So the companies are given these huge contracts to provide a service, then they rip the country off in the process of providing that service. If you are not mad, you are really not paying attention. WAKE UP!

It's been a while

since I posted here. I've had my "issues" with this blog. I tend to get fairly personal, and from time to time I question whether that is worth the trouble that it can cause. Then a part of me says, if I am trying to be truthful and talk about what is going on with me, what harm could come from that? I'll continue to sort it out and post any "aha!" experiences right here.
My life is very full now. I have some say in that, there are activities that are optional, meaning, pretty much all of them. I choose to go to work because I don't know how I would pay my bills if I didn't, but that in itself is not a very good reason. I'm active in a couple of fellowships that help me stay sane and balanced, therefore, these activtities seem like necessities rather than luxuories. I'm involved with a young woman that I love to spend time with, and, if it is a luxory, it's one I am grateful to have. I spend several hours a week working out to be able to keep my body in decent shape. Do I need to do that? The answer is no, but I am pretty miserable when I'm not getting my endorphins from working out, and, I am concerned with how I look, so I feel better when I am in shape. I've been putting a lot of time into practicing the bass guitar and recording new songs with my Experience Songwriting Project partners. This too may seem frivilous, but I get so much enjoyment out of it, I can't imagine life without it. So, my dilema is, I've gotten myself involved in more things than I can really do, but I am hesitant to unload any of them, because they are all, with the exception of work, dear to me. I don't feel terminally unique in wrestling with these problems, and I can think of about 1000 problems that would be more of a drag than having too many things I love to do and too little time to do them. I feel better having stated the situation. If I keep breathing, take whatever actions seems appropriate and stay on the path, the outcome will be revealed, and it could be better than anything my little mind could dream up.

So little to do, so much time

No, strike that, reverse it. (If you saw the original Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with Gene Wilder, you'll remember that line). Nan and I watched "Two Cow Garage," "Grand Champeen" and "The Radio Nationals" last night at the Sunset. Two Cow Garage ruled, as they did last time I saw them. This trio from Columbus Ohio plays country music like it should be played, loud and dirty. The Radio Nationals are calling it quits, and that is going to leave a gap in this town's alt-country scene. I so want to put a band together, but can't imagine finding the time. No worries. I have really been blessed the last several years. If I keep trying to be a decent person, working hard, staying clean, I believe better things will happen to me than I can probably imagine. That's been my experience so far. Meanwhile, I'm enjoying playing acoustic gigs, getting more and more confident on the bass, collaborating with the ESP group on a new recording, etc. It's all good.

First recording session

Ben Wah, Will, Kelly K and I got together yesterday at Kelly's studio in Shoreline. I was having trouble hearing myself in the headphones, and I'm not thrilled with my bass line, but I'll get another shot at it this weekend. I am thrilled to be working with this group again. I really like the laid back vibe and the way people are coming together and supporting one another. Next week Vickie A, Tracy and maybe Kelly B will join us to wrap up song number 1. My daughter Alex is in town, a budding guitar player, and she seemed to enjoy herself at the studio, watching us knuckleheads try to pull a rabbit out of a hat.

The Experience Songwriting Project (ESP) lives!

In May I wrapped up a nine month certificate program co-sponsored by the EMP and the University of Washington Extension College. The program was taught by three prominant Seattle musicians, each offering their own take on the art of tune-smithing. Sean Nelson, lead singer for Harvey Danger and writer for the Stranger, took the helm the first semester, the introductory course, where we broke down songs by their basic components, chorus, verse, bridge, etc. Sean researched his lectures well, and his delivery was awesome. He also had a real flair for picking up on the direction the class was leaning and letting the students go that way. Second semester brought Carrie Akre of Hammerbox, Goodness and a flourishing solo career. Carrie was brought in at the eleventh hour, but she looked like she'd been doing it all her life. She helped us focus on claiming our artistic selves, developing a habit and a practice of writing regularly. We wrapped up semester two with a late night gig at Hattie's Hat. Third and final semester brought Jon Auer of Posies fame. This semester was devoted to production, and Jon worked with each of the lucky 13 who had stuck it out, producing our songs and helping us record them at Glenn Sound and at various other local studios. He helped the class put together an excellent CD, which we named the Experience Songwriting project, and the experience wrapped up on May 25 at a gig at the Science Fiction stage at the EMP.
Boy, what a long introduction to get what I wanted to talk about, which is that the ESP group has continued to collaborate. We are meeting for the next two Wednesdays at Kelly Krisjanson's studio to begin work on the next album. We're recording one of Will Morgan's songs as an ensemble. We also have a gig scheduled for August 19th, a Friday, at the Flying Lion Cafe in West Seattle. It's looking to be an excellent summer.